Divining the secrets of my mind

Letting Go

School is difficult for me right now.  There are a number of reasons why, some of them valid while others have to do with selfishness or laziness.  I feel less like I am progressing through my program and more like I am just waiting for it to be over.  That's not a good way to view any situation, but especially not one like this.

I miss a lot of things.  I miss days when I wasn't stressed out from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed.  I miss days where I could sleep in until 10:00.  I miss nights where I got more than six hours of sleep.  I miss days when I didn't feel like I was letting others down.  I miss days when I felt productive.  I miss days when I was excited about school and learning, instead of dreading them.

Part of me wants to quit Seminary.  Part of me just wants to crawl into a hole and wish for the good old days.  But I've never really been one to give up.  I've been down and I've felt beaten, but I've never been conquered, never out.  This too will pass, and I'll make it out the other side.

My problem is that for all of the leisure, all of the pleasure I've been trying to coax out of life, I've forgotten joy.  I've left peace by the wayside in search of temporary relief.  I simply haven't made up my mind to be happy again.  That doesn't mean that the papers will suddenly write themselves or that my money problems will go away, I know that.  But I also know that a change in mindset does more for health and growth and well-being than any little pill.

Life is about more than just grim determination, more than just slogging through the days.  Life, in the true sense of the word is captured when we make up our minds to enjoy it.  Living water is given to us not when we accomplish our goals, but when we realize the peace that comes from choosing the right goals to accomplish.

Most recently, I've learned that there are some things that you need to hang on to, and there are some things you need to simply let go of.  The things which you can control, take ownership of.  And those that you can't, let them go.

Alleluia

For forty days we wait.  Lent is a period of waiting, of preparation, of repentance.  We often sacrifice, cleansing the body as we cleanse the soul, as the day of Jesus' glory approaches.  An evening meal is shared, almost at the end of this time of inner struggle.  A night in a garden, the lone figure sits and prays, his friends passed out, unable to keep vigil with Him, even now unable to understand what is happening in their midst.  The arrest, the mockery of a trial, and then, finally, a tree to hang upon.  It becomes night.

We remember, more vividly than ever before, our inadequacy, our inability to do what is right.  Guilt and shame plague us.  The Devil dances upon a grave, victorious.  Death now stands tall, looming over the rest of us as we shrink back in fear.  We are finished, beaten.  Our best shot was wasted, our hope, our light has been extinguished.

Coming to the tomb, we are angry, indignant upon arrival.  Someone took Him, pulled Him away from us.  In the midst of surmounting agony, this may very well be the straw that broke the camel's back.  Left not only hopeless, but shamed, humbled beyond measure.

One word changes the view.  One word spoken with utter familiarity, a voice that when heard, cannot be believed, yet must be true.  One word, despite the death of hope, that restores to us courage:  "Mary."  She cries out in unbelief, joy, and realization, as the wool is pulled down from the eyes, as the world shifts, finally, into focus:  "Rabbouni!"

And in the next moment, Jesus affirms the world.  For the first time according to John, we are called children of God.  Sin has met with the wrath of God, and it never stood a chance.  Death stands victim to the power of Christ.  The Devil sits now, alone, wondering at the turn of events.  And we are united once again with YHWH, The One Who Causes To Be.  The sun rises on an empty tomb, and we are taught that sin and death no longer have power over us, because we faithfully believe that our Father has power over them.

My daddy is bigger than your daddy, and He just kicked your butt.

Character Creation

Yesterday Gary Gygax died.  I realize that many people have no idea who he is, and many people will never really care.  He essentially invented role-playing games.  For a guy like me, who has rolled more than his fair share of oddly shaped dice, it was a sad moment.  And when we play next week, I'll drop dice in honor of the man who invented the nat 20.

As far as life goes, there really isn't too much to tell right now.  Or at least, there isn't much that would be interesting or exciting.  I've been fighting the idea of apathy, and it is an uphill struggle.  It started with school work, but has since branched out into other areas of my life.

In gaming, when you make a character, there is a part that is called the "backstory."  It's the summation of all of the skills, abilities and experience that you learn before you being the grand adventure.  The thing is, in the world of gaming, you write all of that down and then immediately get to start doing great things, seeing wonderful places, become a hero.  No one cares too terribly much about the backstory, it's just a tool used to mold the character into something enjoyable, something worthy of becoming a hero or a legend.

I feel right now that my life is still in the "backstory" stage.  The problem is that I want to start the adventure already!  I want to slay dragons, carve my name into the world, fight the good fight, rescue the princess and everything else that heroic characters do.  I'm tired of sitting around, I feel sometimes like all of this is pointless.  This is what breeds my apathy toward my environment.

But the backstory is a necessary part of creating and developing character.  As apathetic as I am toward school right now, the things I'll learn here are necessary for me to go out and live my adventure.  Without the backstory, the character will never have the experience under his belt to make it through the rest of his life.

In short, there are times (I'm in one now) in life that seem positively lackluster, where we feel like all we're doing is using air.  But these times are necessary; they are formative.  When I feel apathetic toward my situation or toward life in general, I need to remember that there is a great adventure out there for me; there is one out there for all of us, if we have the courage to go.  And this time, while not exciting or particularly special, is necessary if I am going to come back from that adventure victorious.

"The world isn't interested in the storms you encountered but whether you brought in the ship."
-Raul Armeston