Divining the secrets of my mind

Karma

The last couple of days have been a roller coaster ride.  I'm not going to get into any details, mostly because I do not want to go through all of them again in my head.  But today I have the day off... which means I have a ton of errands I need to run to make the world right again.

I am learning to find the good in situations that could otherwise be described as terrible.  I am learning, slowly, to let fear and worry go.  In short, I am learning to give things up.  Not so much to quit, that's not what I'm talking about.  Rather, I mean relying on God, on giving my struggles and pain up to God.  My father and my Father are reminding me that situations do tend to have a silver lining.  Usually it's difficult to see when you're standing in the middle of the raging storm, but trust me, it's there.

I ran across a chilling fact last week, that has had a good deal of influence upon me in the last few days.  The girl that I was interested in, the one I had been hanging out with for the last few weeks, is an atheist.  I didn't know and never would have guessed.  My emotions ran the gamut, and then settled themselves down.  I realized that I couldn't really date her any more.  Christianity is such a large part of who I am, and I can not imagine being with someone who doesn't share that conviction.  And I realized that I was convicted about it.  I do not consider myself conservative, but I never want that confused with a lack of conviction.  The interesting thing is that all of my defenses of Christianity, any apologetics I might know, left me in that moment.  Maybe I just need time.  I never believe that it is my job to convince someone that Christianity is correct.  I merely present the case; in the end every person has to decide for themselves.  She chose reason, tangibility; she willingly chose not to take that leap of faith.  So maybe it isn't that I failed as much as I realized that words simply were not going to do anything in that situation except create a rift in the friendship that still exists.

Advice should be given in two circumstances:  when it is asked for and when it is a life or death situation.  Maybe this is a life and death situation; but I think she knows what advice I would give.  Once again, I'm giving this up.  I'm not quitting, but relying on God to use me when the time is right.  And maybe then life will come back around.

All A Swirl

There are a number of different ideas floating through my head right now, but that really is not different from most days.

It is now officially summertime, in that sense that classes are over and my responsibilities have reduced greatly.  I spent the day doing nothing.  I left the house once, to get a movie from Blockbuster.  The apartment needs cleaning (though it's fair to say that it always needs cleaning), so I think I'll probably work on that once I finish here.  But the point is that it's just been lazy.  And I don't really remember how to deal with it.

I remember wanting the stress of school to be over.  I remember the desire for days when I had nothing to think about or worry about, days when I could relax and do whatever I wanted.  And now that the day has finally arrived, there is a part of me that wants something to do.  Without accomplishment, I feel like a husk rather than a person.  I wonder if I need stress in my life.  I shudder at the thought.

Don't get me wrong, I have very much enjoyed my lazy day, and look forward to more of them.  But unlike Ron Livingston in Office Space, I cannot just sit around every day, doing nothing, and feel good about myself.  I am a goal oriented person, and I need accomplishment in order to feel like I really am improving myself.

I don't think this idea is bad, because I never want to indicate that laziness is a virtue.  But I also believe that it is indicative of the fact that Americans live way too much off stress.  We get a sense of self based on how busy we are, and we judge others by how many different groups, activities, sports or meetings they have to attend in a given week.  The ability to live off of four hours of sleep a night is applauded, instead of looked at with a sense of concern.  We need to learn how to slow down and enjoy the ride just a little bit more.  I know it is a constant struggle within my own life... that sense of always having to get to the next thing, of not wanting to miss out, of the prestige accompanying busyness.

In short, we as Americans need to learn how to take time out for ourselves, to truly take a day off.  I know I've said this before, but it's something that is on the front of my mind as I enter summer break.  So go chase some fireflies barefoot in the back yard.  Enjoy a walk with a pet, or a ride in the car with a friend and some good music.  Trust me when I say that you've earned it.

Jesus was a person who could have easily busied Himself with everyone who was crowding around Him.  But He chose instead to retreat constantly; across the sea, up a mountain, deeper into the garden, so that He could have moments of rest and peace.  Aren't we called to mimic Him?  Then why do we care more about the appearance of a busy schedule, of sunken eyes and caffeine jitters than we do about peace, about time with friends and family, about time away to talk to God?

One Down... More To Go

I just finished my 15 page paper for my Africa class.

I have talked about finding the strength to finish this semester strong.  Until about an hour ago, it was more bluster than an actual belief that I could finish all of this.  It is a strange thing to live in fear.  It is a strange thing to lack the motivation to soldier on.  There was a point when I was ready to simply give up, to walk away from it all.  I thought I had reached the point of no return.  Part of me was afraid of what would happen, and another part of me really didn't care.  Now, in light of this major task finished, it feels as if the rest of the next two weeks will be easy by comparison.  Suddenly I am not fearful of what tomorrow might bring, but hopeful once again.

Listening to "May it be" by Enya only serves to remind me of the fact that there will be hard times in my life, but that these obstacles are surmountable.  I am reminded of Frodo and Sam, making their way up the side of Mount Doom, so close to the end of their journey, their terrible quest to rid the world of that symbol of greed and corruption.  As much as I admire the passage of the triumphal return of Aragorn, there is something indescribably powerful about the moment shared by the two hobbits in Mordor.  Despite the prowess, grace, power, compassion or courage of any of the other members of the fellowship, or even the characters in the story, I find myself drawn to a single line given by Frodo:  "I'm glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee, here at the end of all things."  If only I had that unfaltering determination, the ability to accompany those whom I love into the very gates of Hell, to unflinchingly accept my fate in order to maintain the bonds of fellowship and brotherhood exemplified by the short individual from the Shire.

The ability to see "it" through to the end, to stand beside.  I had, for a time at least, lost that determination without ever realizing it.  I pray, now that I realize my lapse, that I will maintain that determination, the ability to stare difficulty and hardship in the eye and not back down.  And maybe, just maybe, if I remain unflinching in my conviction and stalwart in my faith, I too will hear those words...

I'm glad to be with you, here at the end of all things.

And Counting

I am now in the process of measuring my life by the number of pages I have left to write before the semester is over.  I only have 2 finals, and I am really not afraid of either one of them.  I'm not scared of the papers either (except for paper cuts, those are deadly!), but I'm simply more aware of them at the moment.  As Ryan said, this is that time to buckle down and just get it done.  Now I just need the willpower to not spend all of my time on Facebook applications or Youtube videos.  I'll get it done one way or the other, I have no doubt about that.  But it would be nice to get some sleep Thursday night, or next week sometime.

Last Thursday was ascension Thursday... the day we believe Jesus was taken up into Heaven.  In a way it's a sad part of the story.  Jesus, the guide and teacher is now gone, and we're left to do the rest of the work.  These men and women who had been following Jesus around, listening to Him and beginning to put their faith in Him, now have the responsibility thrust thoroughly in their hands, and they are terrified.  I can relate.  The best part about the ascension, to me, is not that Jesus is leaving, but that He is, in fact, not leaving us.

Aaron Wymer once said, when asked about why Christianity is the religion he ascribes to, Christianity is unique because Jesus chose to suffer, not just for us, but with us.  He not only died on the Cross on our behalf, but He chooses to be with us every day of our lives.  When faced with a terrible situation or lacking the ability to go on, Jesus is there with an outstretched hand, offering not only salvation, but also companionship.  When we feel lost, Jesus is the Way who leads us back.  When we are sure that no one can love us, Jesus' compassion abounds.  When we feel unclean, dirty, sinful, ashamed, fearful, downtrodden and sick, Jesus is there.  It is not just the fact that He died, or even that He rose again that makes Christianity so powerful.  It is the fact that the same Jesus who did those things walks beside each of us when we are sure that no one is willing to.

"And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age."
-Jesus, Matthew 28.20b