Divining the secrets of my mind

Bigger Than Me

One of the questions that is constantly going through my head is that of the impact I am making.  I have never been one to believe that I will greatly impact human history or the course of the world.  But the question still stands:  what have I done, or will do in order to leave my mark upon this world?

For myself, I have always pictured my life as being part of something else, something bigger than I am.  I do not consider myself to be sentimental, but there is something that resonates within me when I am associated with something grand.

I guess the question that I am wrestling with is simple.  What is the difference between existing and living?  That unquantifiable asset that changes one's outlook on life.  I am not talking about enjoyment as much as fulfillment, and while the two are related, they are not the same.

Perhaps it comes with having something to live for.  Though I finished my semester at school, the twinges of apathy still wreak their own havoc on me.  I hope to get some of my luster back next week as I travel back to Columbia.  I hope to rediscover the meaning and purpose of my life.  I desire, as I always have, to live life to the fullest.  I have no need for the entire world to know who I am, only a need that my life was filled with something.

"You know the Greeks didn't write obituaries.  They only asked one question after a man died: 'Did he have passion?'"
-Serendipity

The Man

That unseen, unheard government body, existing only to lead people along without them ever knowing it.  The Panopticon, the virtual prison wherein no one knows that they are a slave.  People have hinted at the existence of The Man probably for hundreds of years.  Conspiracy theorists love to get excited and agitated at the mention of the cult of the illuminated, at a government that is monitoring our every move, watching us while we sleep.  And people are starting to buy into it.  They wonder if our government is out there to help us, or out to get us, to wait until we mess up and then let the other shoe fall.

I despise it.  The whole thought.  Not because it isn't true.  I'm sure that secret societies exist, and it wouldn't surprise me if they had more power and influence than we want to think about.  Not because I believe every government official and political candidate to be completely altruistic.  I am an idealist, but not by that far a margin.  No, the reason why I dislike these ideas fall into two categories.

First, these people are in power because we agree that they should be there.  Say what you will about the Democratic system of Government, but in the end it comes down simply to a choice.  The same thing happens to giving in to mass media, the craze to buy everything on TV or agreeing with everything spoken by our News anchors.  It is the responsibility of the People to ensure the ideas of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness laid out in the Declaration of Independence.  And when we as a nation sit idly by, then the blame for our situation is on ourselves, and not some mysterious cult or government organization.

The second reason is just as important, if not more so.  The people who attempt to drive fear into the hearts of Americans are giving those who seek to destroy our nation exactly what they want.  The way to defeat terror, in my opinion, has always been with hope and trust.  If we grow fearful of each other, fearful of our government, fearful of our neighbors, then we have already lost.  As human beings we have a responsibility to ourselves and each other to remain hopeful when the easy course is to despair.  Giving in to fear has never solved any problems, and has only incited outrage and hostility.

The idea of a corrupted government is one that many people enjoy.  It provides a scapegoat, someone to blame for our troubles and problems.  But the blame is on ourselves as American citizens and human beings for not being responsible for our own actions.  Hitler used people's desires to blame others with great success, an act which is now seen as one of the most horrific events in human history.  That is what happens when people give in to fear and terror, when they are unwilling to take responsibility for their own place in life.  We must learn to become responsible once again, lest we too fall into such a horrific moment in history.

"We will not walk in fear, one of another.  We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason.  If we dig deep into our history and our doctrine, we will remember we are not descended from fearful men.  Not from men who dared to write, to speak, to associate and to defend causes that were for the moment unpopular."
-Edward Murrow

Bad Advice

I try not to be the kind of person who gives advice to everyone he meets.  As seldom as I know what to do with my own life, I enjoy the task of figuring it out for myself.  I like finding the answer on my own, and it annoys me when others simply give the answer to me.  Moreover, I tend to be rather secretive, and I think that people often try to give advice to others without always knowing what's going on in that person's mind.  Just because you had a bad relationship once does not immediately entitle you to understand or speak into my own bad relationship.  I often listen to advice that is being given me to be polite, and then make my own choice anyway.

But lately I have noticed people giving what I consider to be genuinely bad advice.  The phrase "You just have to do what's best for you," scares me, not because it is wrong to say it, but because people often have no idea what is best for them.  People often believe that the easiest thing to do is the best thing to do, and they could not be more wrong.  And when people ask the question "And what is the best thing for me," the answer is usually something along the lines of "Whatever feels right."  Again people mistake that for meaning "Whatever feels easy."

People in dire situations often look for a way out.  We often think that life has got to be easier than this, that the rest of the world (or at least the rest of America) is off living the dream.  The easy thing to do is to try to run away.  The easy advice to give is to tell them to get the hell out of there because it is hurting them.  But that simply is not always the right thing to do.  My advice?  Instead of telling people to run away from their problems and "do what's best for them," give them the courage and strength to face their problems and fears.  It requires more work, a level of compassion and vulnerability on everyone's part.  We do not grow by doing the easy things, by always working for ourselves.  Instead, we grow by staying in the fight, with the storm raging all around.

The next time someone comes to you looking for a way out, hoping that you'll tell them that it will be in their best interest to take the easy road, do this:  Put your hands on their shoulders and look them straight in the eye, and tell them plainly and simply "You know what you have to do.  I am with you all the way.  I've got your back.  Now it's time for you to belly up to the bar and do what must be done."  It isn't easy; saying those words and following through with them takes much more than a simple one-liner.

In the end, it isn't about what you say.  Advice has so little to do with the words that come out of your mouth that it is almost laughable.  What people need is compassion and companionship.  If you offer those, then no words ever need be spoken.  But it requires more catchy phrases.  It requires hard work.

"E pleribus unum, my friends.  Sine qua non."
-Andrew Jackson

All Over Again

There is an age-old question.  I imagine that people have been asking it since people began talking to one another.  It usually goes something like this:  If you could have lived your life over again, would you have made the same choices you did?  It's a loaded question to be sure, with implications and subtleties that many miss on first glance, or will answer before thinking it through.  If I say yes, does that mean that I'm unhappy with my life?  Would life really be better, or simply different?  Is that necessarily a good thing?  Is it a bad thing?

With a little energon and a lot of luck, I'll be done with classes here at Emmanuel in less than a year.  And I don't really have a plan.  I know where my interests lie, what I would like to do or not like to do, but there is no clear cut answer when people ask The Question.  I simply don't know.  All I can say is that I continuously feel as if I am being led.  I have been led to the place where I am now.  When I think about some of the choices I made through the years, I am amazed at what events transpired to land me in East Tennessee.

There are days when I would say no to that first question, that I would have made different choices than I did.  For some of them, I say that because I have a pretty good idea as to what would have happened, and I like those thoughts.  For others, I have no idea what would have happened.  What if I had studied at a different University?  What if I had never met Blur?  They sound silly and innocuous, but trust me when I say that only the barest of chances led me into those choices.  What if I had moved to Johnson City and never met Anthony?  What if I had refused to move into the Village?

It is inevitable, as you make choices in life, that you will close some doors, that there will be paths you will never walk down, opportunities never taken.  There are days when, for me, it is difficult because I can see those paths lived out through my friends.  Out of all the weddings between people at the Shack, I have never been in one.  There are reasons, and good ones, as to why, and I am not here to be bitter or criticizing.  But it shows me, rather plainly, what I have missed because of the choices I have made.

Would I do it all over again?  I want to say no.  I want to say that I would have chosen to stay with my friends, to live a happy, fulfilling life.  I want to say that I would laugh and drink and enjoy the company of those around me, that I would have continued to build up friendships started nearly a decade ago.  It sounds pleasant enough, doesn't it?  Picturesque in it's own way.  Earning a Ph.D in chemistry, playing with lasers, enjoying Sundays at the Manor eating hamburgers and watching movies.

Would I do it all over again?  The answer is yes.  Knowing that there are days when I sorely miss my friends in Columbia.  Knowing that there are days when I feel like I have no plan whatsoever, that I gave up a decent life to take a blind leap.  Knowing that there are days that hurt, and times when I cry.  The answer is yes.  Of course this sparks the question of why.  And the answer is simple.  Reading between the lines gives the answer away.  Because I have faith.  I would chose the same not because it has been easy, not even because it has always been rewarding, but because I believe that it has been just what I need.  Not what I want, these choices have not always been my desire.  As I said before, however, I feel led.  I often feel as if I have lost my way.  And every time I do, Christ is there to take my hand and lead me down the path that is set out just for me.  All I have to do is follow.