There is an age-old question. I imagine that people have been asking it since people began talking to one another. It usually goes something like this: If you could have lived your life over again, would you have made the same choices you did? It's a loaded question to be sure, with implications and subtleties that many miss on first glance, or will answer before thinking it through. If I say yes, does that mean that I'm unhappy with my life? Would life really be better, or simply different? Is that necessarily a good thing? Is it a bad thing?
With a little energon and a lot of luck, I'll be done with classes here at Emmanuel in less than a year. And I don't really have a plan. I know where my interests lie, what I would like to do or not like to do, but there is no clear cut answer when people ask The Question. I simply don't know. All I can say is that I continuously feel as if I am being led. I have been led to the place where I am now. When I think about some of the choices I made through the years, I am amazed at what events transpired to land me in East Tennessee.
There are days when I would say no to that first question, that I would have made different choices than I did. For some of them, I say that because I have a pretty good idea as to what would have happened, and I like those thoughts. For others, I have no idea what would have happened. What if I had studied at a different University? What if I had never met Blur? They sound silly and innocuous, but trust me when I say that only the barest of chances led me into those choices. What if I had moved to Johnson City and never met Anthony? What if I had refused to move into the Village?
It is inevitable, as you make choices in life, that you will close some doors, that there will be paths you will never walk down, opportunities never taken. There are days when, for me, it is difficult because I can see those paths lived out through my friends. Out of all the weddings between people at the Shack, I have never been in one. There are reasons, and good ones, as to why, and I am not here to be bitter or criticizing. But it shows me, rather plainly, what I have missed because of the choices I have made.
Would I do it all over again? I want to say no. I want to say that I would have chosen to stay with my friends, to live a happy, fulfilling life. I want to say that I would laugh and drink and enjoy the company of those around me, that I would have continued to build up friendships started nearly a decade ago. It sounds pleasant enough, doesn't it? Picturesque in it's own way. Earning a Ph.D in chemistry, playing with lasers, enjoying Sundays at the Manor eating hamburgers and watching movies.
Would I do it all over again? The answer is yes. Knowing that there are days when I sorely miss my friends in Columbia. Knowing that there are days when I feel like I have no plan whatsoever, that I gave up a decent life to take a blind leap. Knowing that there are days that hurt, and times when I cry. The answer is yes. Of course this sparks the question of why. And the answer is simple. Reading between the lines gives the answer away. Because I have faith. I would chose the same not because it has been easy, not even because it has always been rewarding, but because I believe that it has been just what I need. Not what I want, these choices have not always been my desire. As I said before, however, I feel led. I often feel as if I have lost my way. And every time I do, Christ is there to take my hand and lead me down the path that is set out just for me. All I have to do is follow.