Divining the secrets of my mind

175 Grams of Torture

Today was a beautiful day in East Tennessee.  Maybe a little warm, but still beautiful.

After church I decided that I was going to spend at least part of the day outside, doing something.  What it was did not much matter to me; I needed some fresh air and could definitely use the exercise.  Looking around online, I discovered that the guys I used to play disc with at ETSU had formed a club team and were playing today around three o'clock.  So I decided to join them.

This afternoon did two things for me.  One, it renewed my love of the sport of ultimate.  I don't know what it is about chasing a disc around that gets to me, but I admit that it does, and I will gladly chase it to the ends of the earth if that is what is required.  And I do really love this game.  I haven't played an actual game of ultimate in months, but after 5 minutes I was back in.

The problem came in the sixth minute, and persisted for the next sixty-five minutes.  I am horribly out of shape.  Not just a little rough around the edges, but very, very bad.  I almost could not believe how bad it was.  So not only were my skills rusty and my timing off, but I had no speed or energy to speak of.

Somehow, despite my performance, people seemed genuinely glad to have me out, and I'll start showing up at practices.  Hopefully this swift kick in the rear will help me to get back into shape, as will playing disc instead of just trying to run around.  I don't really know what the difference is, but for me it separates a laborious task from something I enjoy.

P.S.  If you don't believe or understand just how much I love this sport, scroll back to some of my earliest posts.  References to ultimate and posts dedicated thereto are scattered throughout.

Travelling East

In search of light.  That is the goal of a Freemason, to become enlightened, educated and raised as a brother among equals.  The ideals of the Masonic Order place equality, charity, service, right living, honor and compassion as high and noble causes to obtain.  Despite the critical looks I garner, I am glad to call myself a Mason.

In less than two days, I will be raised as a Master Mason.  I will be accepted fully into a brotherhood that has existed for over 300 years, that predates this nation and encompasses many of her founding fathers.  I have often mentioned being part of something bigger than myself.  Thinking back on the history of this Order I cannot help feeling a bit overwhelmed at the idea of being fully integrated within the Masons.

I won't bore anyone with the history, or how I feel about becoming part of it.  Suffice it to say that Tuesday evening will be one of those milestones in my life, a moment that I will look back on and remember.  The language used, to weight of the words as I give my third and final obligation to this Order already brings a quickening to my heart, anticipation brewing within.

One last time I will travel east, in search of light that I might become a better man, just and upright, able to square my life and encompass my passions.  I will obligate myself again to the Order, and rise an equal and brother to all worthy Masons.

"We're not a secret society.  We're just a society with some secrets."

Zero For One, Cowboy

The masters tournament for Warmachine/Hordes at GenCon progresses over three days.  My goal was to win my first two games, making it to the top 32 players and into the second day.  I lost my first game, literally, by half an inch.  My hopes were shattered by a tape measure.  Figuring I had at least learned my lesson, I went on to the second game of the day, confident that I would at least get one win under my belt.  And then I lost my second game because of another mistake I made.

Making a mistake in a miniatures game perturbs me.  I am better than that.  Those are stupid mistakes to make.  The good news is that I can learn from my mistakes and come back to the board better the next time around.  Screwing up in real life isn't always so kind.

I try to avoid mistakes, to avoid stepping on toes or upsetting those around me.  Losing a game is easy because then the game is over.  There aren't the bad feelings, hurt, pain, loss that accompany messing up with someone else.  Relationships, in any manner, are much more difficult.  Life is not just a game.  We can't just get up and walk away when we screw up.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I screwed up with a friend.  The mistake was honestly rather simple.  And I'm an idiot for not seeing it.  I wish I could press an easy button and reset the whole thing, just start a new game over with this new knowledge.  Unfortunately life doesn't exactly work like that.  Instead I must now hope and trust that the person I hurt will be willing to get over their pain, realize that I had no intention of hurting them, and accept my apology.

But as I have said, being anti-social is not the answer to this problem.  Rather, I must simply learn to man up, admit my mistakes, and work dilligently to not repeat them.  In the context of Warmachine, this is how players become better.  In real life, it is how character is built.  I have to be willing to take a couple on the chin if I am really going to improve myself.

"You have earned your pair."
    -Legends, page 5

Reading

Upon his arrival to Emmanuel, Dr. Jason Bembry gave the students the following advice: to read fiction.  It is easy to get caught up in theological debates in a place like this.  To wonder about which method of understanding the Bible, baptism, communion or any of a plethora of other questions should be answered and addressed.  It's easy to get lost in the musings of Barth, Calvin, Aquinas and others.  It's easy to focus intently on Greek and Hebrew, attempting to root out what Paul meant in his letters or the message that the Jewish prophets were attempting to convey to God's chosen People.

These exercises are necessary.  The academic study of the Christian religion is an integral part of our faith.  But there is much more required than just research and theological questioning.  I am often reminded that while the information is certainly useful and helpful, I still need to ground myself in the rest of the world as well.  A minister who loses connection with those being ministered to is, in the end, not really worth much.  Constantly I find myself trying to take the concepts I learn in class and apply them to situations and people I meet on an everyday basis.  Some of these people are practicing Christians, and others would have nothing to do with religion, but are interested in seeing me sweat it out.

In short, Dr. Bembry's advice was to remind us seminarians that there is a larger world out there, and we are called to participate in it, to relate to it, to speak into it.  Without this ability, all of our questioning and musing really isn't worth much either.

To be honest, I enjoyed hearing the advice, as someone who is a rather avid reader of fiction already.  And there are thoughts that even fiction writers can evoke from us, and emotions that can be stirred.  I'll choose two passages from two of my favorite books to show you what I mean.  They are American Gods by Neil Gaiman, who happens to be (in my opinion) one of the best writers on the planet today, and Terry Prachett, who while less serious than Gaiman, is no less talented.

    None of this can actually be happening.  If it makes you more comfortable, you could simply think of it as a metaphor.  Religions are, by definition, metaphors, after all: God is a dream, a hope, a woman, an ironist, a father, a city, a house of many rooms, a watchmaker who left his prize chronometer in the desert, someone who loves you--even, perhaps, against all evidence, a celestial being whose only interest in to make sure your football team, army, business, or marriage thrives, prospers and triumphs over all opposition.
    Religions are places to stand and look and act, vantage points from which to view the world.
    So none of this is happening.  Such things could not occur.  Never a word of it is literally true.  Even so, the next thing that happened, happened like this:
                -American Gods

    I WILL GIVE YOU A LIFT BACK, said Death, after a while.
    "Thank you.  Now.. tell me..."
    WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN'T SAVED HIM?
    "Yes!  The sun would have risen just the same, yes?"
    NO.
    "Oh come on.  You can't expect me to believe that.  It's an astronomical fact."
    THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN.
    She turned on him.
    "It's been a long night, Grandfather!  I'm tired and I need a bath!  I don't need silliness!"
    THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN.
    "Really?  The what would have happened, pray?"
    A MERE BALL OF FLAMING GAS WOULD HAVE ILLUMINATED THE WORLD.
    They walked in silence for a moment.
    "Ah," said Susan dully.  "Trickery with words.  I would have thought you'd have been more literal-minded than that."
    I AM NOTHING IF NOT LITERAL-MINDED.  TRICKERY WITH WORDS IS WHERE HUMANS LIVE.
    "All right," said Susan.  "I'm not stupid.  You're saying humans need... fantasies to make life bearable?"
    REALLY?  AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL?  NO.  HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN.  TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
    "Tooth fairies?  Hogfathers?  Little--"
    YES.  AS PRACTICE.  YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
    "So we can believe the bigs ones?"
    YES.  JUSTICE.  MERCY.  DUTY.  THAT SORT OF THING.
    "They're not the same at all!"
    YOU THINK SO?  THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER ANS SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY.  AND YET-- Death waved a hand.     AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME... SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
    "Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point--"
    MY POINT EXACTLY.
    She tried to assemble her thoughts.
    THERE IS A PLACE WHERE TWO GALAXIES HAVE BEEN COLLIDING FOR A MILLIONS YEARS, said Death, apropos of nothing.  DON'T TRY TO TELL ME THAT'S RIGHT.
    "Yes, but people don't think about that," said Susan.  "Somewhere there was a bed..."
    CORRECT.  STARS EXPLODE, WORLDS COLLIDE, THERE'S HARDLY ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE HUMANS CAN LIVE WITHOUT BEING FROZEN OR FRIEND, AND YET YOU BELIEVE THAT A... A BED IS A NORMAL THING.  IT IS THE MOST AMAZING TALENT.
    "Talent?"
    OH, YES.  A VERY SPECIAL KIND OF STUPIDITY.  YOU THINK THE WHOLE UNIVERSE IS INSIDE YOUR HEADS.
    "You make us sound mad," said Susan.  A nice warm bed...
    NO.  YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE.  HOW ELSE CAN THEY BECOME?
                      -Hogfather

Gratis

A few days ago, Tara (the owner of Cafe Lola) and I were talking about karma.  Many people view karma as a trite subject, or laugh about parking karma, food karma, in-law karma or any of a number of fun American cliches.  Essentially, however, karma is the idea that if you produce good energy (i.e. feelings, thoughts, "vibe") then you will receive good things.  Some would call this hokey.  I really don't think that is the case.  Have you ever noticed that people filled with nothing but piss and vinegar attract others that feel the same way, and repel those who have a happier outlook?  Ever wonder how some people can make millions of dollars and never be happy while others can make $100 each week and be filled with exuberance?  Which person would you rather be around or hang out with?  Someone who is always complaining that there is nothing to watch on their 52 in plasma screen HD TV, or someone who is excited about getting a cup of coffee because it's been a while since they've had a good cup of joe?

Talking with her reminded me of the parable of the talents.  Within, Jesus talks about 3 people who are given "talents," or money by their master.  The two smart servants invest their talents, and use them while the third does not.  The first two are rewarded when the master returns while the third is reprimanded for not using his talents.  Yes, this is a great parable about how we are to invest ourselves in the world around us.  But it plays hand in hand with the idea of karma.  If you live a life where you freely give, then what you give will be returned to you.  I know it can sound crazy or unbelievable, but that doesn't stop it from being true.

As we live our lives, we need to be reminded that our outlook on life influences how other perceive us, how they interact with us.  Joy does more good for the human soul than any drug.  As we learn how to be kind, grateful, happy, uplifting, calm and joyful, we attract those people to us.  I find this is true constantly in the service industry.  No one wants a server who is unhappy or angry all of the time.  And believe it or not, servers don't enjoy dealing with customers who are constantly rude and obnoxious.  Just remember, you are about as happy as you make up your mind to be.

"For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is.  Life creates it, makes it grow.  It's energy surrounds us and binds us.  Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.  You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes."
-Yoda

Gnothi Seauton

Despite having many days off and not much responsibility, the summer days have flown by.  Other than a week spent in South Carolina, there haven't been any extravagant trips or crazy adventures to speak of.  Life has been rather anti-climactic over the last month or so.

As a piece of advice, four guys living in a 2-bedroom apartment means that there is going to be stuff everywhere!  Especially with 3 of us still in school.  Papers, clothes, food, video games.  You name it, we have it thrown on the floor somewhere.  For the most part I do not mind, but now one of the roomates is gone.  I am not happy because Cody has left, just happy that now (I hope) the place will be a little less cluttered and a little cleaner as well.

GenCon is in less than 2 weeks, and I must say that I am getting pretty excited about that.  I will not go into more detail here, but I couldn't resist mentioning it either.

It is a little ironic to me (though it shouldn't be) that my mother knows me better than I know myself.  In the past few conversations I have had with her, she has revealed truths about me that I had never stopped to think about.  For example, she told me that I often do better, in general, in the summer over the other seasons of the year.  I had never really thought about it like that.  It isn't so much that I agree with her, as much as finding out that information, it just happens to be information about me, which feels odd.  I think it stems from my readiness to get done with school and on with life.  During the summer at least I feel like I am able to take a step away from classes.  If all goes well this next academic year, then I should be finished with classes by the end of next summer (fingers crossed).

That's all I really had to say... it's funny how sometimes others can lend insight into our lives and can better see qualities about us than we ourselves are able to perceive.  It is an important step on the path to knowing yourself, which is a necessary aspect of improvement.