I amaze myself sometimes. Things I find important in life tend to astound me. I feel myself pulling myself in so many directions that I end up simply wanting more hours in the day. I enjoy being a geek, and I can't really imagine my life if it did not contain at least a portion of that culture. But I look back sometimes and wonder at all of the things I sacrificed for that cause. I wonder the thing which everyone wonders throughout their lives: I wonder if I truly lived. Have I given up too much, have I gained too little?
I feel as if I have left parts of my life behind. I seem to have shed my skin a number of times as I look back. I wonder if I have shut doors that will never be opened again.
The biggest feeling that continually nags at me is the concept of ability. There are many things that I do well, and probably even a few which I do great. But I feel like my name will never be next to the word exceptional. Despite any talent I have, any ability I possess, I wonder at my power to truly be peerless. Maybe I need to simply become more okay with my place in the world, but one of the things I have never been is someone who gives up.
The flip side of that coin is the knowledge that as my life goes on, my interests change. Friends I thought I would keep get lost in the hustle of life. Hobbies and talents which I enjoyed immensely are left behind as I move on. Maybe that is why I wonder if I will ever be great, because I wonder if anything will hold my attention long enough for me to master it.
My allotted time for complaining has now come to an end. There is something on the horizon, I can feel it in my bones, and I feel as if I have yet to be tested to the limits of my being. The time is coming when the decisions I have made will seem light and transient by comparison. I only hope that I will be up to the occasion.
"I hope I shall possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man."
-George Washington
